This post is not my usual content, but it’s something that has been on my heart a lot over the last couple of years, but especially recently. I’ve debated saying anything because I know what kind of reaction I and others have received in the past for saying anything… at the risk of upsetting, here it is. A brutal assessment of the evangelization problem we see within the Catholic Church, at least in some regions. Everyone knows it. Pews that were once full are now sparsely filled. Where multiple parishes once existed, larger, combined parishes now do. We have a priest shortage, and reduced Mass, Adoration, and Confession times… The reaction is often to scold those who are present for not doing more (which isn’t helpful), when they are already stretched thin and often giving all they have to keep things going. We search for a solution… some program, some magic formula, some quick fix. We know who’s missing, but we can’t seem to agree on what needs to be done. The problem is, I think, not often what it appears to be, and the solution is actually fairly obvious and even simple, but it’s uncomfortable.

Okay, so we all know there are empty pews. Sure, that’s a problem. But why? We have to go back to who is missing… it’s the children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren of the older parishioners. Yes, sometimes it’s the neighbor who has lost their faith and it might be the co-worker you’d love to have with you on Sunday morning. But our families are missing. Not just families with young children, such as my own, but the very descendants of our older parishioners, and we absolutely need to be asking ourselves why these descendants are not at Mass. However, doing that often hits a little too close to home, and we get testy when the subject is honestly broached.

Why is it a problem that our families are missing? Not just young people, but our families? Honestly, parishes are often so grateful to have any young ones present, that I think this might get overlooked in the process. People have made peace with the fact that their own children have stopped practicing the faith, that they’ve moved away from home, that they’ve stopped believing altogether. They might not be particularly happy about it, but rather than having the relationship with their children strained anymore, they let it go for the sake of peace and keeping the family together. I’ve heard on more than one occasion from people from different parishes a resigned, “Well, they aren’t practicing Catholics anymore, but they still love Jesus.” And it’s right to feel a little hopeful when that’s the case, because they haven’t turned away from God. Yes, many want their children to come back to the Church, but they are often afraid of confrontation. They’ve decided that further conversation is generally unfruitful, so rather than push, they pray. To some degree, that’s good. Pushing isn’t the answer, and prayer is always the right thing to do. So where does that leave us… what’s the problem? Why did their children and grandchildren walk away? How do we fix that?

Personally, I think it’s a two-fold answer, but it’s one that people bristle at. We are prideful, and we have failed to educate our children well in the faith. I say this knowing full-well that my own children are still all living at home and will have to make the choice to continue to practice the faith once they move out, and I have no guarantee that they will. I understand that there is a deeply personal aspect to faith that means our children will act on their God-given free-will. However, I say this because I’ve been observing and listening and seeing the same pattern over and over again with some variation. I am speaking from a place of experience… my own personal journey back into the Church. And I say this after having countless conversations from people who have reverted, converted, or are on the journey to conversion and have relatives who left the faith.

Education is the big issue, and our pride is the stumbling block that prevents us from seriously doing something about it. Pride, so often, because when education is brought up, people get defensive for a variety of reasons. There are a lot of great priest and catechists who have done an excellent job of teaching the faith, and I want to acknowledge them and thank them for the work they do. There are many parents who have done a remarkable job of training their children up in the faith. Keep at it. This isn’t about any of you and what you are doing so well. It’s about what others are failing at. The parents and catechists and priests who do such a great job all have something in common. They love their faith, they live their faith, and they know their faith. They may not be the best theologian, but they can still be a great teacher because they can explain the basics. Sometimes that’s what we need most… people who can explain complex ideas in simple terms. You don’t need to be a great theologian to do that. The simple witness of your faith speaks volumes.

But If I’m completely honest, that’s not the majority of the people in our pews. I know, that smarts to hear. Most people aren’t passionate about their faith, or they live it in secret, or they are faithful, obedient Catholics, but they just don’t get the faith. They often appear to be sleepwalking through the faith, and some of them are even active volunteers in our parishes in ministry such as catechesis! Don’t misunderstand me. I love these people. They aren’t bad people, but they are in need a wakeup call. The Bridegroom is coming and their lamps are not ready! You want to know why your children and grandchildren aren’t there with you on Sunday? It is likely because you never really taught them the faith. You never shared your love for Jesus with them. You never explained why a Sunday obligation was an obligation at all. Your faith was something that existed (or exists) on Sunday morning for one hour. Not talked about at home and certainly not in public. You disagreed with the Church teachings and complained vocally to your children, without wrestling with why the Church teaches what She teaches or explaining your struggles to your children. You told your children that a college degree and a career were the end-all, be-all, and pushed sports and extracurriculars as if they were invaluable, and now your children tote your grandchildren to games on Sundays instead of taking them to Mass because sports have taken over. They don’t come because they went off to college and didn’t know how to defend their faith, and in the process, they lost it, or they met somebody who could explain Jesus to them better than they ever got from you. They don’t come because they prioritize work over God. They don’t come because they moved away to chase a pricey paycheck and a career in another state, and they lost their support system for the faith when they moved. They don’t come, because instead of getting answers when they asked questions about the faith, they received no answer or were met with authoritarian threats to submit or obey, as if questions were against our faith. They left because they never understood in the first place.

Again, I know that hurts. Nobody wants to say it, because we know that it hurts. We don’t want to say it because it means we have to face our failures. We don’t want to face it because our pride gets in the way. “I sent them to religion classes!” “We went to Mass every Sunday!” “I still remind them they should go to church!” Or maybe you struggle to understand, because by all appearances, they got everything they needed or had the same experience as you… you all went to the same school, had the same teacher, had the same parents, etc., etc. But we are all unique! And nobody actually has the same experience. We can find commonalities (which is what I’m pointing out here), but our own experiences will be unique. As a parent, I can tell you that parents change with time, and birth-order matters. I can tell you as somebody who had many of the same teachers as my siblings and went to the same school, we had vastly different experiences and learned many different things. We grow up in different years, which can actually have a significant impact on our life experience. We have different mental processes and habits and interests, and all of these things affect how we take in our world, including our faith life.

We have to start from square one, and really try to understand where others are coming from. If we want to learn more about why our children walked away, we cannot be defensive. We’ve got to listen and be receptive and take what they say to heart. Their arguments against our faith might be totally invalid, but we can’t rebut what we don’t understand. If we don’t know where they are coming from, we can’t help walk them back to the Truth of the faith. When we ask questions of this nature, those first conversations should really just be listening sessions, if you don’t already know their reasoning. Ask questions, listen, acknowledge that you heard, ask more questions, listen, and tell them you’d like to have further conversations with them about it in the future and that right now, you’ll pray about all of it. Ask them how you can pray for them.

Before we can be effective evangelists, we need to ask God to trample our pride. Destroy it. Rip it out of us, and defeat it. It’s painful, but it’s necessary. We can’t help to mend what is broken if we’re still badly injured ourselves. Remember, pride isn’t just a sin, it is considered the deadliest of the seven deadly sins. It is the sin that destroys the soul. There are three things I would recommend doing to help you along this journey. First, frequent the sacrament of reconciliation. Do a nightly examination of conscience, say an act of contrition, and then get yourself to a nearby confessional on a regular basis. Don’t tell me that you haven’t committed any grave sins and don’t need to go. Don’t tell me that you save it for Lent or Advent. Get to the confessional. Our souls are sick and we need the Divine Physician to heal them. He does this most effectively through the sacrament of reconciliation. This is not optional, it is necessary!

Second, start praying the litany of humility on a regular basis. If possible, make it part of your nightly routine. I have found that sometimes, a particular line is especially difficult for me to pray, and that God is usually helping me to work on letting that particular thing go. And just when you feel like you no longer struggle with the issues listed, you’ll find that you actually do still struggle with them all. This is not a one and done thing. Letting go of pride is a life-long process. Some people have an easier time of it than others, but we all struggle with it. Some people struggle with a sort of reverse pride, and it’s just as important that they continue to pray this prayer as well. (Note that this is not the same thing as humility. It’s not the kind of pride that puffs up but that beats down.)

And third, there is an excellent prayer that I learned thanks to The Little Rose Shop, which the owner got from a friend, and it is a game changer: “Bless them and change me.” When you’re angry? Bless them and change me. When you’re disappointed? Bless them and change me. When you’re frustrated? Bless them and change me. When you’re having those tough conversations with your family and tempers start to flare, pray this prayer silently. Say it as many times as you need to until you feel calm again. Maintaining patience is important when we’re debating or engaging with those we disagree with.

Then there’s the issue of education. What I mean here isn’t that we all need to be great theologians, but that we ought to know enough about our faith and why we do what we do to be able to explain most of it to others, or at least be able to say “No, that’s not what we believe,” when somebody makes a false claim about Catholicism, even if you can’t totally articulate why that isn’t true. There are some basics that everyone should be able to explain. Most important? The Eucharist.

This is hands-down, the most important thing we need to be able to explain and defend. The Eucharist isn’t just a nice feature of Catholicism, it is Catholicism. The Eucharist is Jesus, and everyone ought to know it. They might struggle with that. They might think you’re crazy. But they have to know that this is what we believe. It can’t be a cursory thing we teach. Now, to an adult who has had no previous exposure to the Catholic Church, it’s not usually the thing we start with as we talk about our faith, but it should still be talked about, and early on. When it comes to children, however, we need to start that conversation when they’re still fidgeting and toddlers at Mass. Repeat it often. Talk about it frequently. Find new ways to explain it. Early exposure is helpful, because belief comes more easily to children. Teach them about miracles, and teach them about the miraculous nature of the Eucharist. If you don’t understand the Eucharist, learn about it! Do the “33 Days to Eucharistic Glory” consecration. Read the book “Beautiful Eucharist.” Read “Jesus and the Jewish Roots of the Eucharist.” Read the Bread of Life discourse in John 6. Ask God to help you understand. Spend an extra few minutes before or after Mass asking God to help you with this. Go to adoration and listen. The Eucharist changes everything, and if people really understood it and believed, they would never leave in the first place, even if they had struggles and challenges. It isn’t a symbol. It isn’t a nice thing we do. IT IS JESUS! IT IS GOD WITH US!!! Get fired up about it! When we’re passionate and excited about our faith, it’s contageous!

We should be able to help somebody understand the basic structure of the Mass and what we see going on and why we do what we do. Why do we stand, sit, kneel… why are we receiving Communion (reread that last paragraph, if you must), why do the colors the priest and deacon wear change, why do the songs for the parts of the Mass change sometimes? Do not underestimate the importance of this! Children can learn this stuff in religion classes, and they might get some of it from homilies, but it has to be explained at home, too. Acknowledge that it’s hard to be there when they don’t get what’s going on. Let them know that you used to struggle, too, and what changed that made it easier. If you still struggle, let them know that, but let them know why you keep going! Understand the sacraments and get a copy of the Catechism of the Catholic Church if you don’t already have one (or at least use the online version). It’s a reference book, and you don’t have to be a catechist or a priest to use it. Know what the seven sacraments are, why we have them, and where in Scripture we see evidence of them. And help them to understand Mary and the saints from a young age. Be sure to repeat over and over that we do not worship them, that they are family because of our baptism, that we ask them for help, just like we do from friends. Make sure they learn of the incredible mercy and love of God!

I’ve only served as a catechist for one year, and before that, as an aide for a year, but I can tell you that what you do with your children at home makes all the difference in the world. I’ve seen it with my own children in their classes, I’ve seen it in the children I’ve taught, and I’ve seen it in my own classmates from school growing up who went to religion classes, and I have consistently heard it from other catechists. There are a lot of children who go to classes because their parents know that it’s just what you do, and yet there is little to zero reinforcement of what is being taught in class (and sometimes they are taught downright contradictions to the faith at home). If you think that your child or grandchild will pick it all up because you sent them to class and that you don’t need to teach them, you are sorely mistaken. I get that there are a lot of mixed-faith marriages out there, and that reinforcement of the Catholic faith is not always easy, but difficultly should not prevent discussion or participation. When a child picks up on a prayer that we are learning or already knows it, I know that they’re at least getting something from home. When the kids can answer questions about the Mass, I know that they’re at least attending occasionally.

The thing is, things are not quite as far gone as we might presume. Getting people back in the pews might not be quite as difficult as we think it is. The best way to educate others in the faith is to love it deeply yourself. Get excited about your faith! I know there are a million different ways to go about evangelizing and that everyone needs something a little different, but there is one really easy in for most people as a way to start reshaping how others see Catholicism, and it is the holidays. These are literally “holy days.” That’s where the term is derived from. The term “holiday” became associated with taking time off of work, and now it’s used to describe a vacation and Federal “holidays,” or days the government gives employees off of work. Holidays that are not secular but actually religious: St. Nick’s, Advent, Christmas, Easter, Halloween, St. Valentine’s, St. Patrick’s,… Thanksgiving isn’t exactly a holiday, and yet we have a Mass for it, as we do for Memorial Day and Independence Day. Today, Advent, Christmas, and St. Nick’s get confused as one sort of homogenous celebration, but they are three distinct things! St. Nicholas should be remembered and honored for who he was and how he loved God. Advent isn’t about little chocolates in a calendar (shocking, I know). Christmas isn’t about getting gifts. Halloween isn’t about gore, Easter isn’t about a bunny, St. Valentine’s isn’t about s*x, and St. Patrick’s isn’t about beer!

We are blessed to have these holy days still observed on a wide scale. We are fortunate that so many people celebrate, even if they aren’t Catholic because it is an opportunity to evangelize! The more you learn, the easier it is to geek out on people from excitement! From personal experience, I can tell you that you do not need to go out of your way to pontificate on these things. Wait for it to come up in conversation. If you’re talking to your kids about what their children are going to dress up as for Halloween, give them a fun fact about Halloween. “You know what I just learned? We use skulls and tombstones to decorate for Halloween, because Catholics visit cemeteries to pray for the dead, and the skull reminds us to live a good life now.” You don’t need to explain in great detail unless they ask. Just plant the seed and move on. If they bring up concerns about worshipping trees and whether or not they should put one up, you might say “Yeah, I took a break from that for a year or two while I learned the meaning behind the tradition. The tree is a reminder of the cross, and a symbol of eternal life.” We need to acknowledge when we’ve grappled with something, too.

When the rosary is called into question, sometimes the simplest defense is best. “Well, the rosary is really just a meditative tool. Most people, when praying it, focus on the life of Jesus and different events in his life. Some people offer up a prayer for the struggles and needs of a different person on every new bead!” If they get accusatory about the “Hail Mary,” explain the first half of the prayer is directly from Scripture, and that the second half is implied in Scripture. The prayer doesn’t worship Mary, it acknowledges her, and is simply a request for her to join us in our petitions to the Lord.

I can’t say it enough! We’ve got to be sure we know and love our faith if we want to pass it on to others! When somebody makes fun of Catholic guilt, say, “Well, it’s a sign of a conscience at work. I’m glad for the guilt because it helps me to grow and become a better person.” When they mock confession, defend it… witness to what it has done in your life. Explain why penance isn’t punishment, it’s the mature response to repairing the damage caused by sin. When they question the saints, be prepared to give a simple defense… ask them if they believe that people who loved Christ are in heaven, and give a brief explanation of the unitive bonds that are created through the adoption of baptism. When they question Mary, don’t get angry, don’t go overboard on your great love for her, just explain her importance to Jesus. Most people who walk away don’t need grand defenses of the faith and all the theological arguments to make a return to the Church. They just need somebody to explain the basics from a place of love, before it’s too late. The earlier you catch it, the easier it will be to correct. When you notice that your child or grandchild stops attending Mass, you can ask them about it. “Hey, I noticed you haven’t been making it to Mass lately. Why is that?” But say it in an inquisitive manner, not in an accusatory or demanding way. Yes, light the candle, say the prayers, don’t badger, but also don’t just be silent and think “There’s nothing I can do!” Even if it’s been years since your child stopped attending, and they are vehemently anti-Catholic, it’s never too late. God is author of all, not you or I. You have the ability to plant seeds.

God gave you the best possible evangelization tool there is. Yourself. The witness of a faith that is passionately loved and lived flows naturally into teaching, often times without words ever needing to be spoken. Our faith isn’t overly complicated. Love God. Our faith is simple, but it’s rich in meaning and depth because God is rich in meaning and depth, far greater than our own understanding. Remember that love doesn’t mean accepting that which is bad or morally unhealthy. “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” I have more to say, but that is another post. Be encouraged. Have hope! You don’t need a program or a special formula, you just need to be passionate and educated about our faith.

In Christ, Danielle